Sex toys and chocolate bars

A special feature post from Miranda on body image and masturbation.

I’m the perfect example of a women who yo yo’s.
With that term comes yo yoing weight, moods, eating habits, self image and sex.
I’ve always felt as if I’ve needed to be a certain weight and so when I gain 15 lbs, my sex drive goes from good to non existent. I find myself hiding while I change not only from my husband but from myself so I can’t see my reflection in the mirror and after a couple months of this, I become emotionally drained, grumpy and completely irrational.
My husband for the past 8 years basically gets the drift and soon begins to withdraw from me. He’s become patient and waits for me to begin exercising and begin eating well again because with that comes sex for him. I find myself using MORE sex toys during these hard up times because a sex toy isn’t going to look at me and find flaw or imperfection. I masturbate more often when I’m lacking positive self image and have sex less often.
Attached to my self image is my weight, always haunting and never consistent. I know that if I continued to have sex through these twinky eating spells I’d…
1. wouldn’t gain as much weight and
2.would be more confident in the bedroom whether I’m 130lbs or 200lbs (and yes to all out there I have hit 200 at one point in my life).
I masturbate with sex toys during these times also to release the pent up stress that not having sex causes, and then it becomes a crazy cycle of sex toy, junk food, sex toy junk food, until my waist becomes larger and my clothes stay on at night time when I crawl into bed.
Finding love only through sex toy masturbation and whatever sweet treats tempts me at the time. My husband just knows better and just lets me be. He knows that if he speaks it’ll only cause a worse problem and I potentially could drag my binge fest out for another 3 months.
I know for some women their self images are attached to their huband’s lack of response to their sexual advances, or not achieving the grades they want in college. For some it stems deeper and darker, but for me it’s the simple battle of self control with food. Some women stop even masturbating when they have these periods of low self worth, but not me. I find comfort and satisfaction in the act. I have recently came off a binge and lost 12 lbs which makes me feel sexy and worth looking at again.
I’m training for my second half marathon and eating better, but at any point I KNOW I could have a relapse and find myself with a sex toy in one hand and chocolate bar in the other, oh the joys of being a women.

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